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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22757647">for you i'll be poetic</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiraclesofPaul/pseuds/MiraclesofPaul'>MiraclesofPaul</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Happy Ending, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pining, Secret Admirer, Valentine's Day</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 11:22:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,336</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22757647</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiraclesofPaul/pseuds/MiraclesofPaul</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Ryan starts getting gifts from a secret admirer. Too bad he has a huge, hopeless crush on his coworker Shane, and there’s no way in hell that Shane likes him back.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>440</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Shyan Valentine's Exchange 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>for you i'll be poetic</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>For the Shyan Valentine's Exchange 2020 prompt: <i>college au, coffee shop au, florist au, secret admirer/anonymous love notes (or, because it's valentines day, love poems), or some sort of surprise present/token of affection.</i></p>
<p>A big thank you to Tiia and Cara for reading my drafts and listening to me whine about it! </p>
<p>Check out this amazing <a href="https://szot-art.tumblr.com/post/611066485146779648/a-very-simple-fan-art-i-did-today-for">piece of fan art</a>  created by <a href="https://szot-art.tumblr.com/">szot-art!</a></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b> <span class="u">Saturday, February 1</span> </b>
</p>
<p>The alarm goes off at eight that morning, making Brent groan, “You’re insane. Turn that off,” as he pulls the covers over his head.</p>
<p>Ryan’s not an early riser either, but he pulls himself out of bed and starts to get ready. He makes sure his outfit is flattering and that his hair looks okay before heading out the door. He’s starting to get used to the rhythm of the spring semester of his junior year, but these early Saturday mornings still feel new and groggy.</p>
<p>Technically he doesn’t <em>have</em> to get up this early. He could be in bed right now like Brent, sleeping in. But see, Shane works the morning shift on Saturdays at the student-run coffee shop, Astral. And his crush on Shane Madej has morphed from “that guy in my English class is pretty funny” at the beginning of sophomore year to “oh fuck, I want to have his babies.” It’s a useless, hopeless crush. If Ryan knew what was good for him, he’d avoid Shane as much as possible.</p>
<p>But he makes his way across campus, excitement building in his stomach at just the thought of getting to see him. His crush had been manageable up until last semester when Ryan began working at Astral and was assigned three shifts with Shane. Before that, they’d only talked here and there during class or at parties. But getting to work with Shane, spending time with him and getting to know him better and realizing how funny and cool and <em>weird</em> he is — it was game over for his heart.</p>
<p>Ryan tried multiple times to hint that he liked Shane. He looked for all of the classic signs that his feelings were reciprocated, but Shane never showed any interest. His eyes never seem to linger. He treats Ryan with the same casual friendliness he uses with everyone else. Ryan had to give up and admit that Shane just wasn’t interested.</p>
<p>Ryan’s heart refuses to move on, though. Shane makes him laugh harder than anyone else. So he enters Astral clutching that little pearl of hope that <em>maybe</em> one day Shane will like him back.</p>
<p>The coffee shop is small but cozy; the dark blue walls are decorated with gold stars and constellations thanks to the art department. Shane smiles at him as soon as Ryan walks through the doors, that small, sweet smile that always makes Ryan’s heart flip. The bandana he's wearing as a neck scarf is blue today. “It’s the Bergmeister,” Shane says as Ryan approaches the counter. “The usual?”</p>
<p>“Yes, please.”</p>
<p>“Coming up.” Shane turns and pours him a cup of medium roast coffee, stirring in two spoonfuls of sugar. He places it on the counter in front of Ryan, and Ryan can’t help but inwardly sigh, wishing Shane had handed it to him so that their fingers could’ve brushed together.</p>
<p>“Thanks,” Ryan says, reaching for his wallet.</p>
<p>“No, hey, I already told you I’m not taking your money.” Shane’s lips are quirked in a teasing smile. “You work here. Learn to steal from The Man.”</p>
<p>Ryan rolls his eyes at the familiar line, but he’s smiling and his cheeks feel warm. “Fine,” he says but still pulls out two dollars from his wallet and places it in the tip jar. “This is for your services, though. Power to the people.”</p>
<p>Shane laughs. “Direct action. I love it.”</p>
<p>“How’s it been this morning?” Ryan looks around at the few other students sitting at the tables. No one is paying any attention to them.</p>
<p>“It’s been a pretty slow-ish morning. Not too bad. I even managed to get a bit of reading done, so that was cool.” Shane suddenly snaps his fingers and says, “Oh, I almost forgot.” He leans down to grab something that must’ve been stashed in one of the cubicles under the counter. Shane pops up back up with a single red rose in hand. Around the stem, attached with white string, is a note. Shane puts it on the counter and says, “Here, someone dropped this off for you.”</p>
<p>Ryan frowns in confusion as he stares at the rose. “Who?”</p>
<p>Shane shrugs. “A secret admirer.”</p>
<p>A glance at Shane’s face tells him that Shane finds this situation amusing. Ryan picks up the rose feeling a mix of bewilderment and disappointment. The only person he would’ve wanted a rose from is Shane, but apparently he doesn’t care at all that someone else is showing interest in Ryan.</p>
<p>The note is printed on sturdy card stock paper. It reads:</p>
<p>
  <em>I'm not a romantic</em><br/>
<em>But if you are the moon</em><br/>
<em>Then I'm the lunatic</em><br/>
<em>Howling in my room</em><br/>
<em>That for you I’ll be poetic</em><br/>
<em>If your heart I can astound</em><br/>
<em>For my heart is not homesick</em><br/>
<em>When you are around</em>
</p>
<p>Ryan has no idea who could’ve written this. When he looks back to Shane, he sees that Shane is absentmindedly wiping the counter. “You don’t know the person who dropped it off?”</p>
<p>“I think they wanted to remain anonymous.”</p>
<p>“Well what did they look like?”</p>
<p>Shane chuckles and doesn’t even look up as he teases, “That’s kind of a shallow question, isn’t it?”</p>
<p>“No, I mean — <em>shut up!</em>” Shane is still chuckling to himself, and Ryan feels flustered and out of his depth. “I just <em>meant</em> that it would help me figure out who it is if I knew what they look like.”</p>
<p>Shane shrugs again. “You’ll figure it out soon enough, I think.”</p>
<p>“Thanks, that’s not helpful at all.”</p>
<p>The grin Shane flashes him makes Ryan’s heart flutter. “Any time, pal.”</p>
<p>Ryan drinks his coffee sitting at one of the tables. Usually he sits here and tries to keep the glances he steals of Shane discreet. But unlike previous Saturdays this semester, he can’t focus on how cute Shane looks with those stupid, little neck scarves. (A look Shane exclusively wears in Astral. “I need to look appropriately pretentious,” Shane had joked when Ryan had pointed it out.) He stares at the rose, frowning as he tries to figure out who left it here. He reads the simple poem over and over.</p>
<p>Whoever wrote it must not know his schedule well enough to know that he doesn’t work on Saturdays. Maybe it’s someone from one of his classes or someone that occasionally comes into Astral. No one really sticks out when he tries to flip through everyone he knows on campus. By the time his cup is empty, he’s no closer to having any suspects.</p>
<p>He waves goodbye to Shane as he heads towards the door. Shane waves back and says, “See ya Monday, Ryan.”</p>
<p>As he walks back to his dorm, newly caffeinated, rose in hand, he can't help but wish that Shane had reacted differently to the situation. He entertains the fantasy of Shane throwing away the rose, overcome with jealousy. Of Shane realizing that he had to quickly make his move. But even in his own head it’s ridiculous. Shane would probably never do something like that. Ryan has tried to fool himself many times into thinking that Shane is extra nice to him, but the reality is that Shane really is just a good guy that gets along with pretty much everyone. He's friends with half the school. He greets everyone with that small, sweet smile he gave Ryan this morning.</p>
<p>Ryan sighs as he realizes he’ll have to turn down whoever is putting in all of this effort. And all because he’s too hung up on Shane Madej, who probably wastes no time at all thinking about Ryan.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u"> <b>Monday, February 3</b> </span>
</p>
<p>On Mondays and Wednesdays, he and Shane are in charge of closing up the shop, and those have quickly become his two favorite days of the week. Shane just has a way of making even the most dull things seem fun. He usually puts on music, and they get to talk and goof around as they clean and get everything ready for the next day. Sometimes Shane uses the broom as a microphone or a dance partner, and it never fails to make Ryan laugh.</p>
<p>They leave Astral spotless as they lock up and begin walking towards the dorms. It’s a breezy night, and Ryan shivers a little as he zips up his hoodie.</p>
<p>Shane says, “It’s only fifty-five degrees.”</p>
<p>“Hey, we’re in southern California. That’s cold for us, Mr. Chicago Man.”</p>
<p>Shane snorts out a laugh. “I like that. Mr. Chicago Man.” He starts doing jazz hands and puts on a menacing voice, “Fear my Windy City superpowers! I never need a sweater!”</p>
<p>Ryan laughs, feeling so light and happy. This is why he finds himself doodling their initials in the margins of his notebooks. This is why Ryan can’t ever find it in himself to try to move on. No one else makes him feel like this.</p>
<p>The walkway they’re on comes to a fork. Shane smiles at him and waves goodbye. “Night, Ryan. Sweet dreams,” Shane says as he heads to the right towards the Emmerson dorms. Ryan waves back and heads left towards Buckman.</p>
<p>Ryan practically floats all the way up to his dorm. His heart feels full.</p>
<p>“You had a nice time, I take it?” Brent says knowingly as soon as Ryan walks into their room.</p>
<p>“Shut up, don’t judge a man’s happiness.”</p>
<p>“Hey, if you wanna pine away, that’s your decision.”</p>
<p>“Thank you.”</p>
<p>“<em>But</em> —”</p>
<p>“Oh here it comes.”</p>
<p>“I <em>will</em> say that someone else is very interested in you, and maybe you should give them a chance. Just think about it.”</p>
<p>Ryan groans loudly as he plops down on his bed, feeling his good mood deflate. “I hate when you make me think about things.”</p>
<p>“It could be good for you.”</p>
<p>Ryan’s eyes land on the rose still sitting on his desk. It’s not like he’s getting anywhere with Shane. Going out with someone who actually likes him could be nice. Even as his heart rebels at the idea, he sighs and concedes grudgingly, “Maybe.”</p>
<p>
  <span class="u"> <b>Tuesday, February 4</b> </span>
</p>
<p>Ryan has carved out Tuesday night as “get shit done” time, which is why he heads straight to the library after his last class. He manages to claim a table at the library all to himself, spreading out all of his books and notes to send a clear signal to be left alone. Dr. Ortiz assigns essays practically every other week, and Ryan is determined to make sure he gets a good grade in that class.</p>
<p>He’s busy trying to come up with an outline for his paper when someone sits down in front of him. He feels a flash of annoyance before looking up. It’s Shane.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Ryan says, hoping it doesn’t come out as breathless as he feels. He hasn’t seen Shane since last night, and his dumb heart is reacting as if Shane has suddenly come back from a six month journey.</p>
<p>“Hey.” Shane gives him a smile that goes straight to Ryan’s center and radiates out. “Studying very hard, I see.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, Ortiz loves reading stacks of essays, apparently.”</p>
<p>Shane winces in sympathy. “Yikes. You look like you’re gonna be here for hours.”</p>
<p>“Pretty much,” Ryan says with a sigh. “I still have a ton of shit to do, and I’m starting to get hungry.”</p>
<p>“You should bring some granola bars with you next time. Plan ahead.”</p>
<p>“We can’t all be Boy Scouts, Shane. Some of us didn’t get to sit around a campfire making s'mores and telling little ghost stories.”</p>
<p>“I do know how to make a mean s’more.”</p>
<p>“Ugh, quit bragging. You’re just making me more hungry.”</p>
<p>Shane laughs. “Sorry. I’ll head out and let you get back to work. Good luck with your paper.”</p>
<p>“Thanks.”</p>
<p>“See ya tomorrow, Bergmeister.”</p>
<p>Ryan practically holds his breath as he watches Shane leave. He sighs deeply once he’s gone. His concentration is completely shot now; his heart is too busy throwing a parade to let his brain focus. He does his best to get back on track for the next half hour, but it’s hopeless. He gives up and heads back to his room, fully intending on dragging Brent to grab dinner.</p>
<p>As he approaches their door, though, he spots something hanging from the doorknob. It’s a red heart-shaped box, a string attached to the sides acting as a little handle for it to hang. Ryan picks it up warily and opens it up.</p>
<p>It’s a box of chocolates. A note in familiar card stock paper sits inside. It reads:</p>
<p>
  <em>Your smile</em><br/>
<em>Makes my heart sing</em><br/>
<em>Makes the stars align</em><br/>
<em>And I’d do anything</em><br/>
<em>For you to be mine</em>
</p>
<p>Ryan can’t help but smile at the poem, feeling a bit flattered. Someone seriously thinks this way about him? It’s been a while since he went out on a real date, too hung up on Shane to look at anyone else. He has spent so much time wishing that Shane would feel this way, that Shane would look at him and think something like this. Shane never has, but this person did. It feels nice to be noticed.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u"> <b>Thursday, February 6</b> </span>
</p>
<p>Ryan keeps an eye on the clock as he goes through his midday shift at Astral. He knows he has little time to waste. The second it’s 1:45 PM, he clocks out and heads out the door. He all but runs across campus to the fountain by Victoria Hall.</p>
<p>He’s a little out of breath as he gets there and sits down on the fountain’s ledge. He pulls out his phone and tries to look casual, like he’s just been sitting here for some time. Students begin to trickle out of the building, and his dumb heart is hammering away in his chest at the prospect of seeing Shane. It’s stupid to go out of his way like this just to see Shane and chat with him for fifteen minutes. He knows that, but a starving heart will take whatever it can get.</p>
<p>Ryan spots Shane almost instantly; he’s hard to miss towering over almost everyone else. He quickly looks back down at his phone and pretends like he hasn’t noticed that Shane is walking over.</p>
<p>“Hey, Ryan,” Shane says, stopping in front of him, backpack casually slung over one shoulder. His smile is sweet and open, and Ryan feels himself smile back instantly as his stomach swirls with butterflies.</p>
<p>“Hey. How’s it going?”</p>
<p>“Not bad. It’s always fun to get the gossip on important historical figures. Remind me later to tell you about Benjamin Franklin’s possible involvement in a sex cult.”</p>
<p>“Wait, seriously?”</p>
<p>“Oh yeah. The man led a very strange life.” Shane checks his watch and says, “Crap, I better get going.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Ryan says, forcing a smile to hide his disappointment. Usually they get more time than this. “See you around.”</p>
<p>Shane gives him one last smile and says, “See ya,” as he begins to walks away.</p>
<p>Ryan is able to hold back his lovesick sigh until Shane is a safe enough distance away. He suddenly feels pathetic, and he frowns as he realizes where he is and what he’s doing. He’s never had a crush be this intense or this demanding. He’s never been this afraid to make a move. The time to ask Shane out was probably towards the beginning of last semester, when the thought of getting turned down sucked but didn’t seem like the end of the world. Now though? Just imagining things turning awkward between them creates a knot in his stomach.</p>
<p>He sighs again as he gets up and starts walking towards the dorms, ready to mope for the rest of the afternoon.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u"> <b>Saturday, February 8</b> </span>
</p>
<p>When his alarm goes off that morning, Ryan turns it off but doesn’t get up. He frowns at the ceiling as he tries to talk himself out of going to see Shane. What good will it do him? Just so he can keep getting his heart broken? So he can keep following him around like a pathetic, lovesick puppy?</p>
<p>The thought burns deep. He forces his eyes to close and firmly tells himself to stay in bed and get a couple more hours of sleep. The minutes drag by, though, and his body refuses to obey.</p>
<p>After thirty very valiant minutes, his heart wins out and he pushes the covers back with an annoyed sigh. He rushes to get ready. His hair of course isn’t cooperating, and he can’t find a good enough shirt. A glance at the clock tells him that there’s no real time to fix it since Shane’s shift will be over in forty-five minutes. He gives up and ends up literally running out the door -- which is exactly why he trips.</p>
<p>He manages to catch himself before he hits the floor, looking around wildly to make sure no one saw that. The hallway is blessedly empty, but his eyes land on a Paddington Bear stuffed animal which he must’ve tripped over. He quickly goes to pick him up and makes sure he’s alright.</p>
<p>There’s a note around his neck, which reads:</p>
<p>
  <em> Please look after this bear</em><br/>
<em>He carries my heart</em><br/>
<em>And also my prayer</em><br/>
<em>That we’ll never be apart</em><br/>
<em>Thank you </em>
</p>
<p>Ryan laughs, his cheeks suddenly feeling too warm. This is one of the most thoughtful gifts he’s ever gotten from anyone. Paddington Bear is his favorite, and for someone to have noticed and to have remembered —</p>
<p>Voices from down the hall pull him back to reality, and oh shit, he’s still late! Ryan quickly begins making his way out of the building again, and it’s not until he’s outside that he realizes he still has Paddington in his arms. He pauses, unsure if he should go back, before thinking <em>fuck it</em> and continuing on.</p>
<p>Maya’s face lights up as soon as he enters Astral. “Oh, what a sweet little bear! Look at his little hat!”</p>
<p>“Thanks,” Ryan says, his answering smile a bit shy. He hadn’t exactly meant to carry Paddington around campus, but he’s here now. His eyes quickly dart around the shop, but Maya is alone behind the counter and he doesn’t see Shane anywhere.</p>
<p>A sinking feeling of disappointment enters his stomach. He should’ve gotten up earlier. Now he won’t see him until Monday, and —</p>
<p>Shane walks in from the back, and as soon as his eyes land on Ryan he smiles. “Hey,” he says. “Nice bear.”</p>
<p>Ryan adjusts his grip on Paddington so that he’s more secure in his arm. He hopes his face isn’t as red as it feels as he says, “Thanks. It was a gift.”</p>
<p>“Ooh,” Maya says. “Who got it for you?”</p>
<p>“Uh, I’m not really sure, actually. Someone’s been leaving me presents and poems for Valentine’s Day, but I really don’t know who it could be.”</p>
<p>Maya clutches at her heart. “How romantic!”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Shane says, “sounds like you got quite the catch there, Bergmeister.”</p>
<p>“Right,” Ryan says, looking down at Paddington. Of course Shane thinks it’s great. He probably couldn’t care less that someone is interested in dating Ryan. Giving in to a sudden desire to make Shane jealous, he adds, "They're being really sweet. They also got me chocolates earlier this week."</p>
<p>“Were they good?” Shane asks, his smile unwavering.</p>
<p>Ryan's heart sinks. "Yeah, really good. The exact type I like, actually. I don't know how they knew."</p>
<p>Maya leans on the counter, her chin resting on her hand. "I wish I had a secret admirer that got me stuff. I don't even have a date. You're so lucky, Ryan. They're probably gonna take you out on a fabulous Valentine's date if they're putting all of this effort into the lead up."</p>
<p>"Oh," Ryan says. He hadn't really thought about that. "I guess so."</p>
<p>This is what it's all for, isn't it? The gifts and the poems, it’s all leading up to that. Jesus. They probably have a nice date planned, and Ryan is going to ruin it and crush their heart with his rejection.</p>
<p>"That's so exciting," Maya says, completely oblivious to Ryan's internal panic. “I can’t believe it’s next week already. Maybe we should put up some decorations to liven this place up. A couple of hearts couldn't hurt."</p>
<p>Shane's face lights up. "Great idea! Love is in the air. Let's get some fat, chubby babies up on the wall."</p>
<p>"Uh, guys, can I get some coffee to go, please," Ryan says, suddenly wishing he had stayed in bed. His grip on Paddington tightens. “Actually, make that two.”</p>
<p>"You got it," Shane says, turning to get started on the order.</p>
<p>"Ooh, gonna go track down your mystery person?” Maya asks, waggling her eyebrows at him. Shane turns to see his answer, and the two pairs of eyes on him make him nervous.</p>
<p>"Not exactly," he says hesitantly because the real answer is that he's going to use the second coffee to force Brent to wake up and make him listen to Ryan complain about this situation.</p>
<p>“Here you go,” Shane says as he hands Ryan a tray with the two coffees.</p>
<p>Maya says, “That’ll be five dollars.”</p>
<p>Ryan is about to put down the tray and reach for his wallet when Shane quickly makes a dismissive hand motion. "Don't be heartless, Maya. We can't take his money. He <em>just</em> became a father. Don’t worry about it, Ryan. This one’s on me.”</p>
<p>“I can pay,” Ryan says hesitantly, but Shane just smiles at him and says, “We support young father’s here at Astral. It’s okay.”</p>
<p>“If you’re sure...”</p>
<p>"I'm sure."</p>
<p>“Thanks.” Ryan smiles and does his best to wave with the few fingers he can spare. Maya and Shane wave back.</p>
<p>His stomach feels funny as he walks towards the dorms and not just because Shane looked really good this morning — though he totally fucking did. No, this is a feeling of bubbling panic with a shot of misery for good measure.</p>
<p>Ryan barges into their dorm and whines, “He’s <em>happy</em> for me."</p>
<p>It takes a few minutes of cajoling and begging for Brent to sit up in bed, coffee in hand, and listen to Ryan recount everything that happened.</p>
<p>Ryan sits on his own bed, Paddington on his lap, as he says, “And now, I have to break this person's heart and ruin their probably very nice Valentine's date and I'm going to die alone."</p>
<p>“Yeah, that’s pretty shitty.”</p>
<p>“You’re supposed to make me feel better!”</p>
<p>“<em>Look</em>,” he says in that tone of voice that Ryan knows means he’s about to get a lecture, “I really like Shane. I think he’s pretty cool, and he’s into facts and stuff which would be great to balance out your conspiracy loving tendencies.”</p>
<p>“<em>Hey</em> —”</p>
<p>“But if he’s not returning your feelings, then why not give a chance to someone who is clearly very, very into you? It’s probably someone you know considering all the stuff they know about you.”</p>
<p>“Or a creepy stalker.”</p>
<p>“Could be that too, but beggars can’t be choosers.”</p>
<p>Ryan makes a miserable noise before whining, “But I don’t want someone else. I want Shane.”</p>
<p>“Then ask him out.”</p>
<p>“I can’t do that. I can’t even begin to — just the <em>thought</em> of telling him I like him is terrifying. I don’t know what I would do if he turns me down. I would be pulverized into little miserable ashes. I like him so much that I genuinely worry sometimes that I’ve been spiked with a love potion.”</p>
<p>“Okay, that’s insane, which is why maybe dating someone else would be good. Love doesn’t have to grow from crazy feelings. It’s probably better if it doesn’t.”</p>
<p>“This is a horrible pep talk.”</p>
<p>Brent shrugs. “Either ask him out or let it go, dude. Those are literally the only two options.”</p>
<p>“There’s a third. I could pine away forever.”</p>
<p>Brent laughs and rolls his eyes at him. “Don’t be such a drama queen.”</p>
<p>“Your advice is garbage,” Ryan grumbles as he turns Paddington around so that Ryan can look at him. It’s a very thoughtful gift, and even as he fights it, he feels a warm tug on his heart. Ryan reluctantly adds, “But...I'll think about it.”</p>
<p>
  <span class="u"> <b>Tuesday, February 11</b> </span>
</p>
<p>How can you get over someone if you can’t stop thinking about them? It’s as if everything reminds him of Shane, and no matter how hard he tries, he can’t get him out of his head. He usually doesn’t see Shane on Tuesdays, but that doesn’t make it easier. It’s as if the longing is only exasperated by his absence.</p>
<p>Yesterday Shane took his red neck scarf and used it like a headband, and Ryan’s heart melts every single time he thinks about it. They’d had so much fun goofing around in the newly decorated shop full of red and pink hearts, like a Hallmark card threw up in there. Shane kept doing a bit where he pretended to be Cupid with an aggressively manly voice, throwing imaginary arrows like he was in an action movie. Ryan had practically been in tears from laughing so hard.</p>
<p>It’s things like that that make it hard for Ryan to remember why he needs to get over Shane. But Brent is right. This crush on Shane is only getting worse.</p>
<p>Ryan <em>did</em> try to make his feelings known at first. Multiple times, actually, and he wasn’t even all that subtle. He’s pretty sure everyone at Astral knows he has a crush on Shane. Curly would always give him knowing looks when he’d laugh extra loud at Shane’s jokes or when he would mention for the hundredth time that he was single. And there were even moments when Ryan thought that Shane knew it too. Their eyes would meet and Shane would be a little frozen, like he was realizing what Ryan was implying with that. But then he’d blink and the moment would be over. Shane never reciprocated, so Ryan stopped trying.</p>
<p>He’s in a gloomy mood as he heads to the cafeteria alone. Brent is out on a date, so he doesn’t even have anyone to complain to. He grabs a tray full of food and manages to snag his favorite table. It’s tucked away in the corner by the window, removed from the overwhelming noise of the packed cafeteria and always good if he’s trying to eat and get an assignment done at the same time. He sits and picks at his food, lost in thought.</p>
<p>The identity of the person leaving him gifts and poems is probably obvious. They clearly know him well enough to know what he likes. He probably said hi to them today in the hallway. Who could it be? The first poem had mentioned homesickness, but that wasn’t much of a hint. Tons of people are from out of State. Steven is from Ohio. Eugene is from Texas. Ryan can’t picture either of them pining away for him, though.</p>
<p>"Hey," a voice suddenly says, startling Ryan enough that he drops his fork. Shane laughs and says, "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."</p>
<p>"No, it's alright. Wasn't paying attention."</p>
<p>Shane gestures with his tray at the empty chair in front of Ryan. “Is anyone sitting here? Do you mind if I…?”</p>
<p>“Oh, uh, yeah, of course.” It comes out too quick, and Ryan internally winces. He tries to subtly run his hand through his hair, hoping it looks alright.</p>
<p>Shane sits and doesn’t look the least bit awkward or anxious or weird. Of course not. Why would he be? He starts eating like a normal person, while Ryan tries to stop feeling so self conscious.</p>
<p>Shane asks, “How’s it going?”</p>
<p>“Uh,” Ryan says as his brain short circuits and forgets the entire English language. “Good. It’s uh, been good, yeah. Um, just studying and working. Well, you see me at work so obviously you know that I’m working.”</p>
<p>“I do know that,” Shane says, his smile teasing.</p>
<p>“How are things going with you?”</p>
<p>Shane contemplates the answer, moving his head from side to side before answering, “I guess not too bad. Though I’m definitely going to be in trouble next week when I have to hit up Dr. B and beg her for an extension on my essay. I’ve been staying up watching too many Twilight Zone episodes.”</p>
<p>Ryan puts on a mobster accent and says, “Dr. B, how about an extension, eh? Wouldn’t want you to end up in the fifth dimension, if you know what I mean.”</p>
<p>Shane laughs, and it makes Ryan feel warm all over.</p>
<p>Despite his initial nerves, Shane is so easy to talk to. They fall into dumb bits and jokes as they end up talking about their favorite episodes which leads to the Tower of Terror ride, which leads to Ryan finding out that Shane has never been to Knott’s Berry Farm. “Unbelievable,” Ryan says in fake outrage. “You’ve <em>wasted</em> your time in California!”</p>
<p>“Well you’ll just have to take me then,” Shane says, completely unaware of the way Ryan’s heart stops. Shane checks his watch and says, “Fuck, I better head back. I still have a couple of books to skim before tomorrow. Are you going back to your dorm too? Wanna walk together?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Ryan says <em>way</em> too quickly, and he inwardly cringes as he grabs his tray and stands up along with Shane.</p>
<p>Shane politely does not point out how weird Ryan’s acting or maybe he genuinely doesn’t notice. The moon is bright as they make their way across campus at a leisurely pace. Ryan’s heart swoons every time he sneaks a glance at Shane.</p>
<p>The familiar fork in the road is an unwelcome sight. Ryan doesn’t want to say goodbye. He never does when he’s with Shane. But Shane says, “See you tomorrow, Bergmeister!” and waves as he starts walking to the right.</p>
<p>Ryan waves back. He waits a few seconds, watching him go, hoping that maybe Shane will look back. But Shane doesn’t.</p>
<p>Ryan sighs, deep and lovesick. His feet feel heavy as they’re forced to turn and walk away.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u"> <b>Wednesday, February 12</b> </span>
</p>
<p>When Ryan walks into his 10 AM class that morning, he instantly spots the envelope innocently sitting on the desk where he usually sits. He quickly looks around, but the few students in the room aren't paying any attention to him at all.</p>
<p>The envelope has his name on it. There’s something about the R that looks familiar. He has definitely seen this handwriting before, but he’s not sure where. Inside is a note and a red and black woven friendship bracelet. Ryan smiles as he looks at it. In the center it says MOTHMAN with red eyes decorating the rest of the band. Ryan instantly loves it, and his heart warms at the thought that someone paid attention to all of his stupidly long rants about cryptids.</p>
<p>He reads the note, expecting another poem, but instead it simply says:</p>
<p>
  <em>I saw this and thought of you. As you’ve probably noticed, I think about you a lot. I should’ve told you how I feel a long time ago. I’ll be by the fountain next to Victoria Hall at 11 AM on Valentine’s Day. Will you be my Valentine?</em>
</p>
<p>“Good morning, all,” Dr. Ortiz says as he walks into the class. Ryan startles and quickly tucks the note and bracelet into his backpack. His heart is racing as Dr. Ortiz begins the lecture.</p>
<p>Ryan <em>knew</em> this was coming, but he still hasn’t decided what he wants to do. God, now time is running out.</p>
<p>He <em>still</em> hasn’t made up his mind by the time he walks into Astral later that day. He can’t imagine liking anyone as much as he likes Shane, but if Shane is never going to like him back, shouldn’t he try? Maybe, by some miracle, things will go well with this mystery person. Maybe there’s a chance that they’ll hit it off.</p>
<p>But it doesn’t feel right. Ryan doesn’t want to use someone to get over Shane. That wouldn’t be fair to them. It seems like they like him a lot, <em>genuinely </em>like him. He can’t play around with their feelings.</p>
<p>“You okay?” Shane asks towards the end of their shift, snapping Ryan out of his thoughts. “You’re kinda quiet today.”</p>
<p>“Oh, sorry. I’m fine. Just tired.”</p>
<p>“No need to apologize. Do you wanna head out early? I can finish up by myself. There's not a lot left to do.”</p>
<p>“No, no, I’m fine.” Ryan definitely doesn’t want that. Even in this melancholy mood he finds himself in, he still wants to spend as much time with Shane as possible. “Just a bit stressed, I guess. Overthinking stuff.”</p>
<p>“That can be tricky,” Shane says sympathetically. “You know what will help you feel better?” He doesn’t wait for Ryan to answer, just changes the music so that it’s suddenly blasting ABBA’s “Mamma Mia.”</p>
<p>Ryan laughs as Shane begins to passionately sing along to the song. Ryan isn’t even surprised that Shane knows all of the words. He is a little surprised, however, by what seems to be prepared choreography, but Shane always manages to surprise him.</p>
<p>Ryan’s feeling better by the time they’re locking up the shop, pulled away from his thoughts a little. Shane is humming to himself. Ryan holds back a wistful sigh as he steals another glance at him. It’s hard to imagine seeing Shane and not having his heart trip over itself with affection.</p>
<p>They’re nearing the fork in the path when Shane says, “Hey, got anything to do tomorrow night?”</p>
<p>“Uh, not really,” Ryan says carefully, unsure why Shane is asking and trying not to get his hopes up. “Why?”</p>
<p>Shane’s voice is casual as he says, “My roommate’s gonna be gone all night, and if you want, we could watch a couple of horror movies. Or any movie you want, really.”</p>
<p>“Sure,” Ryan says in what he hopes is an appropriate tone that doesn’t reveal how much his chest is bursting with joy. “Any movie would be fine with me.”</p>
<p>“Cool. I’ll allow <em>some</em> film student over-critiquing,” Shane says with a warning finger at him, “but don’t go overboard. I’m serious here. You get to say the words ‘camera angle’ only five times.”</p>
<p>Ryan laughs. “I’ll try to stop myself, but I’m not making any promises.”</p>
<p>Shane smiles at him, bigger than his usual smile. “It’ll be fun. I’ll make us some popcorn. I’m sort of a popcorn enthusiast, so don’t get scared by how much I eat.”</p>
<p>“There’s absolutely no way you can scare me. I’ll eat multiple buckets of popcorn. I’ll eat popcorn as a meal.”</p>
<p>Shane grins at him and asks, “You’re a kernel head too? Awesome! Finally, someone who understands.” He begins to walk backwards down his path. “See you at six then?” When Ryan nods, he says, “Coo! See you then!”</p>
<p>Ryan waves back, though Shane is already turning around and can’t see. Ryan’s heart is beating hard in his chest, his excitement making him feel drunk with giddiness. He walks back to his dorm with a giant, love-struck grin.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u"> <b>Thursday, February 13</b> </span>
</p>
<p><em>This isn’t a date</em>. Ryan has been repeating that to himself over the last 24 hours, but it does little to quell the swarm of butterflies in his stomach. It doesn’t stop him from obsessing about what he’s going to wear and making sure his hair looks alright.</p>
<p>But it’s just that they’ve never had plans before. They’ve hung out at work and bumped into each other on campus, but this time <em>Shane</em> wants to spend time with him. They’ll be alone. As much as Ryan doesn’t want to get his hopes up, this is a new step for them.</p>
<p><em>Not a date, not a date, not a date</em>, he thinks as he stands in front of Shane’s dorm. He takes a deep breath before knocking.</p>
<p>The door opens quickly. Shane smiles and says, “Hey! Come on in.”</p>
<p>Shane’s side of the room looks very much like him, which Ryan finds hopelessly endearing. His bedspread is green. He has strange and funny drawings taped up over the headboard. There’s a butterfly encased in glass on his desk, right next to several bandanas that Ryan instantly recognizes.</p>
<p>They sit on Shane’s bed, where Shane has stolen his roommate’s pillows and blanket, creating a pretty comfortable nest. Ryan makes sure not to sit too close, afraid that he’ll lose all ability to speak and focus if he does. Shane has a pretty decent DVD collection, and they watch <em>The Shining</em> on his small TV. Shane has giant bowls of popcorn for each of them, which thankfully gives Ryan’s hands something to do.</p>
<p>Shane talks just the right amount, making comments only when there’s no dialogue or important moments. Ryan sticks to his promise of not geeking out too much about film trivia, but even when he slips up, Shane indulges him. Time flies quickly as they make each other laugh, and by the time the credits begin to roll, Ryan feels less nervous.</p>
<p>They’re about to start on the next movie, <em>The Silence of the Lambs</em>, when Ryan unthinkingly pulls up his sleeves. Shane’s eyes land on his Mothman bracelet. He says, “Cool bracelet.”</p>
<p>“Thanks. It was a present from, uh, the whole Valentine’s thing.” Ryan watches Shane’s face carefully, hoping to catch even a tiny crumb of jealousy, some sort of sign that would indicate that he’s not indifferent to the thought of Ryan dating someone else. But Shane still has the same sweet smile on his face as always. There’s nothing but genuine happiness for him. It makes Ryan’s stomach sink with disappointment.</p>
<p>Shane asks, “So, did you figure out who your secret admirer is yet?”</p>
<p>“Not even a little,” Ryan sighs. “It kinda sucks, because I —” He stops himself. Shane is giving him his full attention, and Ryan feels so torn open, so vulnerable admitting this. But he pushes on and admits, “I already like someone.”</p>
<p>Shane doesn’t react, doesn’t give any indication at all that this information matters to him. He just asks neutrally, “Who?”</p>
<p>Ryan’s heart is beating too fast, thumping hard and wild in his chest. He could lay everything on the table right now and tell Shane how he really feels. The admission is right on his tongue; he feels the spine-tingling thrill of standing at the edge of a cliff and looking down. He could do it; he could take the leap, consequences be damned.</p>
<p>But he looks away, turning his eyes back to the screen. His heart sinks as he realizes he just <em>can’t</em>. “Just...someone. It doesn’t really matter. He doesn’t like me back.”</p>
<p>Shane is silent. Ryan tries his best to sit still and not fidget. If Shane asks again, if he presses him for a real answer, then maybe Ryan could get himself to be brave enough. If he shows even a tiny bit of interest, then maybe…</p>
<p>But when Shane finally says something, it’s just, “That sucks, man. For everyone. Your secret admirer is gonna be heartbroken.”</p>
<p>Ryan sighs again. “Don’t rub it in. I feel bad about it.”</p>
<p>Shane lightly punches Ryan’s shoulder, just a quick connection, a small, sympathetic gesture. “Don’t feel too bad. You can’t force someone to like you, right?”</p>
<p>“Right.” <em>Don’t I know it</em>, Ryan thinks miserably.</p>
<p>They’re both more quiet during the second movie. Ryan only half pays attention to it, his mind too busy worrying about what tomorrow. Shane is right. Ryan can’t make Shane return his feelings, and he can’t make himself have feelings for someone else.</p>
<p>It would be unfair to be someone’s Valentine when his heart belongs to Shane. Whoever his secret admirer is, they deserve better. They deserve honesty. Ryan knows, suddenly, that he will have to break their heart tomorrow.</p>
<p>Brent is already asleep by the time Ryan tiptoes into the room. He feels tired and dejected, but at least now he’s sure. He hugs Paddington tightly to his chest as he lies down on his bed. What a shame, he thinks, that he couldn’t return this person’s feelings.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u"> <b>Friday, February 14</b> </span>
</p>
<p>“Just give them a chance,” Brent says as he watches Ryan put on his shoes. “A date. <em>One</em> date.”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“Then tell Shane you like him.”</p>
<p>“Even bigger no.”</p>
<p>Brent rolls his eyes and throws his hands up, giving up. “Alright, well don’t come crying to me when you die alone.”</p>
<p>“What, like my ghost will come crying to you?”</p>
<p>“Wouldn’t put it past you.”</p>
<p>Ryan snorts out a laugh as he heads for the door. “I’ll be back in a bit. Wanna get ice cream and hear me mope about it?”</p>
<p>“Obviously. You better run straight back here!” Brent calls out as Ryan is closing the door.</p>
<p>Ryan keeps having to remind himself to breathe as he walks towards Victoria Hall. His stomach is in knots. He’s dreading having to break someone’s heart, but at least now he feels like he has his mind made up. Hopefully one day his feelings for Shane will fade and let him enjoy a nice friendship with him. Until then, though, Ryan is going to let himself indulge in this crush. Right now he doesn’t want it to fade. It might be masochistic, but he is more than willing to let it eat away at his heart. He hasn’t felt like this about anyone before. He’s never been so completely lost. Shane may never return his feelings, but Ryan is willing to let himself dream for just a little bit longer.</p>
<p>Victoria Hall looms ahead. He pauses for a moment, taking a deep breath and steeling himself. It’s the moment of truth. He continues on.</p>
<p>The fountain comes into view, and with it, Ryan sees the silhouette of a man facing it. There’s no one else around. Ryan frowns as he gets closer, as he recognizes the hair and the posture.</p>
<p>The man hears him approaching and turns around.</p>
<p>“Shane?” Ryan says once he’s close enough.</p>
<p>“Hi, Ryan.”</p>
<p>“Hey,” Ryan says distractedly as he checks the time. The note said eleven. Did they not come? “Have you seen anyone around?”</p>
<p>Shane looks confused. “Huh?”</p>
<p>“It’s —“ Ryan feels his face turn red, feeling silly that he got stood up and he has to explain it to Shane, of all people. “My secret admirer. I got a note saying to meet them here, but I guess they decided not to show up.”</p>
<p>“Um,” Shane says, and Ryan suddenly realizes that Shane looks strange. Nervous almost. Ryan’s never seen him nervous before. His shoulders are hunched in as he says, “Ryan… it’s me.”</p>
<p>Ryan blinks. He waits for the punchline. Shane looks almost agonized, and Ryan’s brain is refusing to process this information. “What do you mean it’s you?”</p>
<p>“I’m the one that was leaving you those presents.”</p>
<p>“And the poems?”</p>
<p>Shane nods, looking dejected now, and wait, <em>seriously? </em>“Yeah, I wrote the poems. I thought that maybe you liked me back and I wanted to tell you how I felt, but I didn’t know how and… It was stupid, I’m sorry. I should’ve just told you directly, and we could’ve avoided this awkward part. I didn’t know you liked someone else.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t know it was you. You never gave any hint that you liked me! I was <em>constantly</em> dropping hints I liked you, and you never did anything!”</p>
<p>“I was always interested in you. I just — wait, you <em>do </em>like me?”</p>
<p>“You like <em>me</em>?” Ryan asks, laughing, as he takes a step closer to Shane until they’re only inches apart.</p>
<p>Ryan’s heart is soaring, a grin so large on his face that he’s sure it looks deranged. But Shane is grinning too.</p>
<p>“I like you,” Shane says simply.</p>
<p>“I like you,” Ryan says back, another laugh escaping him. He’s never felt this much joy. He could fly to the moon with how light he feels.</p>
<p>“Will you be my valentine?” Shane asks.</p>
<p>“Any time,” Ryan says, and he can’t wait anymore. He grabs Shane’s shirt and pulls him in for a kiss. The first of many.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/19299889?view_full_work=true">Next story</a>
</p>
<p>You can find me on tumblr at <a href="https://miraclesofpaul.tumblr.com/">miraclesofpaul.tumblr.com</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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